Sleep, oh sleep, where art thou?

I'm not sure anyone can understand the deepest desire of sleep until they have children. Before Julia I really thought the sleep deprivation wouldn't be a big deal. I pulled all nighters in college. I spent one semester sleeping less than 4 hours a night on average. I know what it feels like to always want to take a nap, always feel a little slow, and always dependent on caffeine.

Then I had Julia and I realized I didn't have a clue.

With the lack of sleep in college it was by choice. I chose to stay up. I chose to play and then study. But I always napped. Ah, yes, I napped a lot. There was this really great library on campus that was really small and old and hardly anyone ever went there. Anyways, they had these two oversized leather chairs that looked out over the South Mall by the UT Tower. I would go up there nearly every day, kick back in the chair and read for class. Actually, I just slept. And when I didn't nap there, I would nap on the lawn of the South Mall while again "reading".

Naps now seem like a gift. Mostly because while everyone says you should nap when the baby naps it's virtually impossible, that is if you still want to do anything you did before you had a baby, like, I don't know, shower for one thing. And another thing about naps, babies don't always want to fall asleep. I just assumed all babies liked sleeping and would sleep as soon as you said "go". But that's not really the case. And getting them to sleep is like a performance. You rock, you sway, you pat, you shush, you lay down and you walk out. Now, I know that there's the idea to let the baby "cry it out". Frankly, I'm all for that. But since Jules is only 3 1/2 weeks old, I'm not going that route for now. In the future, yes, but now, no.

And along with naps are waking up. There is a HUGE difference between Julia fully napped up and Julia being awoken before she's ready. Napped up Julia is happy and cooing. Sleepy Julia is cranky and ticked. I don't blame her, I'm the same way. And if she's anything like her father (which it's scary how much she is) then she's really cranky and ticked. Then when you have people who want to wake her up, that has to be the biggest irritant. Obviously people don't realize the song and dance it took to get her to sleep and now they want to wake her up. Not because she needs to get up, but because they want to hold her. Hold her car seat. Take a picture of her and hold that. But, please, oh please, for the sake of sleep, don't wake the baby!

Too much cuteness

Maybe, just maybe... Part Two

Maybe, just maybe I don't have a clue what I'm doing.

This week has been a whirlwind. Starting Monday night, Julia decided she wanted to cry, a lot. She cried most of the day Tuesday and Wednesday. Yesterday she gave me a bit of a breather, which I really needed! Jonathan and I spent the first two days try to narrow down the reasons for her crying and we think (and could be way wrong) that Jules has a intolerance to legumes. Our reasoning behind this idea is that I ate peanut butter for the first time since she was born (on Monday and then on Tuesday) and that's when her crying all started. And I've had this gut feeling ever since we got home from the hospital that she didn't take well to beans whenever I ate them. Now, like I said, this is all just new parent somethings-wrong-with-my-kid-what-is-it hypothesis. Who knows, maybe she's just a talker. Which in all reality she'll have to be to survive in this family.

I've come to the conclusion that being a mom is the world's hardest job. I'm sure brain surgery is pretty tough, but I'm still going to say mommyhood is tougher. See, brain surgeons at least get training. Me, I got nada. I had younger brothers I baby sat, but nothing like this. And there is this since of panic when you realize that you and you alone know more about your child than anyone else in the world. HA! Are you kidding me? My understanding of the way Julia works is about as great as my understanding of brain surgery. So, that in of itself is what makes this the hardest job ever. That and the pee.

I've never been peed on and puked on more in my life. I know little boys are notorious for peeing on you, but girls?! Yep, Julia has now successfully peed on my four times in the last 30 hours. Twice she even had on a diaper. Stupid Huggies. And she's puked on me more times than that. The crazy thing is, she seems more upset about all of this than me. She pees all over and then starts crying. She pukes and looks at me like "Holy smokes, what was that?! Help me!".

But somehow through all the pee, puke and endless crying, there are some amazing moments. Like this morning. After her mid morning feeding, I had Julia propped up on my lap on some pillows and she was just staring at me and smiling (I know it was probably gas, but this momma is pretending it's a real smile) and just looking absolutely beautiful. And in that moment I thought "This is why moms do it. We do it because through all the rough times, the sleepless nights, the crying, the peeing, the puking, we get to have this sense of what God must think about us. Through all our messiness, we look up at Him with total admiration, total love, and smile at Him with awe for how He provides and cares for us through it all. And as we are looking at Him, He's staring back at us with a heart filled with more joy and love than we will ever know and more wiliness to continue cleaning us up, fixing our lives and making us whole."

Maybe, just maybe...

...I'm going to make it.

In review of the last week, things are getting better. I'm slowly starting to get my head wrapped around all the ideas of motherhood and my confidence is growing, even if a millimeter a day.

Today was a really good day. We went back to the doctor and Julia has gotten back (and passed) her birth weight. She's gained a 1/2 pound in one week, which is super good! We also went by my old work to introduce her to my co-workers. And while she screamed like none other at the appointment, I just started to realize, "Hey, babies cry, people will get over it."

Also, the feeding thing is getting smoother. We're still getting adjust to it, but like one of the nurses said today "Well, I bet the feedings are better than a week ago, and a lot better than two weeks ago." She's right. They are. And they will continue to get better.

While I could sit here and think, "Sarah, you're a great mom. You rock" all I can really think is, "Wow, God. You are a great God. I couldn't do any of this without You. Thank You." And it's true. Every day, good or bad, is a blessing from God. Today was good. Yesterday was rough. Tomorrow could go either way. But God is the same, His grace is the same, His love is the same. And that alone is worthy of my praise.

So, thank You, God. You rock.

Hello Motherhood! Goodbye Sanity!

As I am sure everyone knows, Jonathan and I had our daughter, Julia Mabel, on Friday, November 23. She weighed 8 lbs, .03 oz. She is a beautiful, precious, adorable gift from our loving heavenly Father. I can't even begin to express my joy when I hold her, feed her, love on her. I have no doubt that she will continue to be a joy and delight in my life forever.

Now, a little about her birth: (FYI, this might be TMI)

Jonathan, my mom, my brother John, and I went shopping around 6 am on the 23rd. We hung out at the Coral Ridge Mall till about 9 or so, and then came back home. I planned on resting for a little while but decided to do a little house cleaning first. About half way through vacuuming, I felt a leakage. Deep down I knew it had to be my water or something like it, but wasn't totally convinced. Then around 10:30 I started having some bad cramping, like what I'd get with a period. They weren't coming to close, but I asked my mom what she thought. She said, "Well, sweetie, I think you're in labor". So, we called Jonathan (who was still out shopping) and told him he'd better plan on heading back soon.

By noon my contractions were coming about 5-10 minutes apart and lasting about 30-45 seconds. Jonathan and I took a walk around our cul de sac before deciding it best to leave for the hospital. By 1:30 we checked in to Labor and Delivery. Now, forgive me, but this is the part where things get a little fuzzy for me. I was put in a triage room and the nurse hooked me up to two monitors; one for my contractions and one for Julia's heartbeat. The on call doctor checked me and found that I was 5-6 centimeters dialated and 50-60% effaced. I was monitored for about 30 minutes before I asked to walk around, as I'm not one to be okay with being confined to a bed. Jonathan helped me waddle down the hall, met up with my family and take a 20 minute walk before I decided that I was 1) too sleepy to keep going; 2) in even more pain since the contractions were coming even sooner.

We made it back to the triage room just to find out that in the 1 1/2 hours that I had been there, I'd already gone to 7-8 centimeters dialated. And this, this my friends is when the pain kicked in.

Before I left the triage room, the urge to push had already started. Then to top it off, the water that I had been sucking down came back up (way gross). I moved over to a delivery room and this is where my story ends. No, honestly, I really don't remember a whole lot more. But I can piece some things together for you:

1. My doctor, who was in Burlington showed up.

2. The urge to push was growing. And so was the pain.

3. The urge to push was still growing. And so was the pain.

4. At some point I asked to go to the bathroom. Jonathan helped me along, when the urge to push hit. Ok, so look, when you want to push and you aren't allowed to, yeah, that's the hard part of labor. So, here I am, sitting on the pot, needing to push, not being allowed to push, just wanting to push. That's when Jonathan stepped up to the plate. He squatted down, and said "Sarah, do you know why you can't push? If you push, you will cause damage to yourself. You will tear and be in more pain than you are now. So, you need to obey. You have to obey. You cannot push until we tell you."

5. Back in the bed, still wanting to push. Now, I start asking for some drugs. Anything. I really don't care. And again, Jonathan steps up. He just keeps repeating. "You can do this." And then when I'd want to push, he'd keep repeating "Sarah, you have to obey".

6. I think at some point I actually blacked out. I say this only because I remember "coming to" and not realizing where I was. And then I had a contraction. And then I remembered.

7. My mom. I love my mom. Before I went into labor I wasn't convinced I wanted my mom to be there with me. I have issues with modesty, and frankly birth isn't very modest, so it seemed weird to me to have her there. But at some point you just stop caring. And really, my mom was amazing. Did I mention that she's had 6 kids and was a Labor and Delivery nurse for 20 odd years? Well, yeah, needless to say, she was a God send. She really helped me to know what was coming next and what to expect. She reminded me to breathe. She got me to start focusing on Jonathan instead of closing my eyes the whole time. I'm not sure I paid too much attention to everything she said at the time, but I couldn't have made it through without her.

8. The doctor, or someone, gave the okay to push. Holy Smokes. This is the best part of labor. All this time you can't do much other than breathe and not push. But now, now you can actually do something productive.

9. Julia Mabel is born!! There lots of other things that happened between the "you can push" and Julia actually arriving, but perhaps that's too much for people. All I know is at one point I became very good at yoga.

10. Grace. Selflessness. Humility. God is going to be teaching me a lot. It's true what they say, God gives us children to shape our character, not just theirs. I've really been struggling for the last 10 days. But, you know what, God has really provided. Now, I need to just let Him keep providing, keep leading. I have way more questions than answers. I feel really lost with this whole motherhood thing. I cry a lot. But I think this is good. It breaks me. It makes me rely on God, on my husband and my friends. I'm not one to ask for help, yet I think that will change. I like perfection. I like routine. I like having things in place, on time and smooth. God's got something big in store. And I'm pretty sure it's not going to be routine, in place, on time or smooth. However, it will be His will for my family, for my life, and that's what is most important.

**If at any time you want to toss up some prayers for us that would be great.**