Let's face it, I'm a bull

Once my mother told me that it would take a team of wild horses to change my mind when I was convinced of something. Later in life, Jonathan told me that I'm like a battering ram that just keeps hitting the wall until it falls. I'd have to say, both these statements are pretty accurate. I'm stubborn. I'm bull headed. And the only thing that really keeps me from plowing my way through life (leaving behind helpless victims) is the grace of God.

As of Wednesday/Thursday we decided that we're not finding out whether we're having a boy or a girl.

Can I just say that this is no small issue for me? In my mind, I figured that I could (and would) plow my way through this issue just like I have done many times in the past. My way or the highway. Geez, don't you feel bad for my husband? Out of all the women in the world, he winds up with a stubborn mule. Anyways, at women's prayer on Wednesday I was convicted that I needed to really surrender over my will on the "gender issue" to Jonathan. As an act of obedience to the Lord, I told Jonathan that ultimately my heart's desire was/is to follow him more than to find out the sex of our baby. *Honesty time: What I really meant was "I want to follow after you but still get my way. I'm saying these things because I mean them, but we're still going to find out. Right?"*

God makes me laugh. Because He created me, He knows me inside and out. Ok, Sarah's will is bending, but her heart still isn't one hundred percent. How can I, the creator of Heaven and Earth, ensure that not only do I have my daughter's will, but her heart? Oh, right, I'll just not let her have an ultrasound.

Say what?!

As I am slowing my battering ram down (so that the wall doesn't fall at such a rate that my husband would really notice until after it came down) God reinforces the wall. It turns out that our insurance won't cover our ultrasound. Which means, that if we want to have one, we have to pay out of pocket (which will be over $500). Now, there are some side stories - if my midwife thinks that we still need one we can have one (that is covered) but rather than calling it "routine" it will need to be "medical". However, one of the nurses I spoke to yesterday said that the likelihood of us having one is small, since we've delivered one healthy child, had an ultrasound with this baby, and so far the pregnancy has been smooth.

And of course through all of this I am a calm and collected Christian. Hahaha! I make myself laugh. I'm a bull, remember. I get this news and call every single resource I know of in order to help me take down this wall. I mean, come on, now it's not about the "gender issue" it's about the safety of my child. After all, you can't possibly deliver a healthy child without an ultrasound. The midwife might miss something. I might miss something. The ultrasound is the only way to determine the outcome of my baby.

Or not.

I spent most of Thursday in a bad mood. I won't lie. I was a slight pain in the butt. Perhaps I went from battering ram to one of those oxen they use in running of the bulls - horns out to get anyone. All the same, it took a good 24 hours before I realized that the wall wasn't moving. And that God was still good.

I called my sweet sister-in-law to tell her this most disastrous news. Her response: "Sarah, praise God! Your heart's desire was to follow your husband, and now He made it possible to do so without any temptation or unnecessary debt." Riiight... Not exactly what I was going for, but hey if what she said was what God needed for me to hear in order to get through my bull head, it worked. I started to realize that God is giving me a way out. All the time I knew that I wanted and needed to follow after Jonathan, but in the back of my mind had plans to still find out the gender. I was going to knowingly sin. I was going to knowingly disrespect Jonathan. Wow! Am I a lovely person or what?! Rather than go through all of that, God simply said "No." And I am pretty okay with that. He knows what He is doing. He knows what is best for my life, my child's life, my family. Who better to put my trust in then the Almighty?

"And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you." Psalm 39:7

On to number two!

I think it's funny how little you meditate on, dream about, and talk about pregnancies after your first. I think it has a lot to do with the newness not being the same, or the fact that you (or at least me) seem to be way to tired and busy to stop and really enjoy being pregnant. Ok, ok, I admitted it. I am one of those crazy ladies who actually enjoys being pregnant. Sure, the sickness isn't all that great, but all the same, there is a tender wonder in having a child growing inside you and I just love it.

At any rate, we've scheduled our ultrasound for the 29th. We naturally wanted to find out with Julia whether we were having a boy or girl. We thought it only natural so we could plan and choose names, etc. However, this time around Jonathan is wanting to wait. He has good reasons why (babe - you can post them in the comments if you want), but again I want to know. I feel like with Julia, it allowed me to form an attachment with her. We called her by her name, I sang her her song (Julia by The Beatles), and daydreamed about what it was going to be like to have a daughter.

What do you think? Should we find out? I set up a poll on the left hand side of the blog so you can give your opinion. Also, even if you think we should or shouldn't find out, what would you do (or have done)? Did you like (or would you like) knowing or not knowing?

Tired, so very, very tired

We are finally working on Julia's last feeding time during the night. Which means that for the last couple of days, we've been waking up between 4:30-5:30, and dealing with lots of crying and very little sleep. Blerg. However, I am hopeful that we are near the end. That once we get through this last time we are at least on the up and up (hopefully, hopefully, hopefully!) and will be enjoying a few months of peaceful rest before the next babe arrives.

The funny part about it all, is that already Baby Dubya Dos is keeping me up. While, even as I type, my body is completely exhausted, I can't sleep. It seems that during the middle of the night, early in the morning and occasionally during the evening "morning" sickness sets in and keeps me so nauseated that I can't sleep. Total bummer. I try to nap as much as I can during the day, as I have found when I do I don't get as sick. But when that isn't possible night time sleeping seems a little more difficult.

Fletcher just made a Sprite run (ahh! I know it has HFCS, but I'm desperate!) in hopes that it will help settle my stomach. It's done a pretty good job, but I'm gonna need to find a better (and healthier) alternative for later.

Well, here's to trying to get some good sleep tonight!

Wordless Wednesday AND Truthful Thursday

"Yes, you have been with me from birth; from my mother’s womb you have cared for me. No wonder I am always praising you!" Psalm 71:6

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." Psalm 139:13-16

"Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him. Children born to a young man are like arrows in a warrior’s hands. How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them! He will not be put to shame when he confronts his accusers at the city gates." Psalm 127:3-5


Go here, for more Wordless Wednesday.

Info on the blog above

Jonathan and I found out Thursday night that we are indeed pregnant! I am only about 5 weeks along, so things are just beginning. We have our first appointment with our midwife on October 24th. Over the last few days, I've been experiencing morning (rather, all day) sickness and fatigue. I can't say that the fatigue is just because of the new baby, as much as the fact that Julia is becoming more and more mobile and keeping me on my toes.

Please keep us in your prayers: that this pregnancy goes smoothly and babe and I stay healthy, that any fears that might arise in me stay at bay, that our family continues to trust in God through all things.

We'll keep you updated as Baby Dubya Dos progresses!

One! Uno! Eins! Un! Um! I love the number 1!

Why, oh why, would I love the number one?

I am one pound away from my pre-Julia weight!!!

Rock and roll, baby!

Man, this makes me feel like doing a victory dance. Or maybe I should do a victory run?!

Losing control, or dying to yourself

I'm slowly going out of my mind. Literally. Sleep has been pretty scarce the last week, and it's taking a toll on my body/mind. The hard part is, the baby still hasn't arrived so it's not as though I'll be getting a lot of sleep with her around anyways.

And speaking of her... God has a funny way of stopping me in my tracks.

For several weeks, no make that a couple of months, this fear that my daughter is actually going to come out a son has been lurking in my mind. Like normal, I've learned to suppress my thoughts/feelings on this issue until they hit me upside my head. Last night I had a long conversation with one of my dearest friends from back home, Rabeea. Her sister just had a baby, whom everyone thought was a girl (confirmed by two ultrasounds) and turned out to be a boy. During that conversation I realized I need to get some things right before the Lord.

I am not entitled to a daughter. I am not entitled to a son. Frankly, nowhere in the Bible does it say I am entitled to anything other than being a child of God. And really, we could stop right there and life would be complete, but our Father wants to bless. And so He has. I'm pregnant. Becoming pregnant was a fervent prayer of mine for over a year. And here I am, finishing up what has been a wonderful pregnancy.

Then last night I fully realized I've been obsessing over having a daughter ever since I found out she was a she (I know I would have done the same if I was told from the get go it was a he). People have made comments like "Well, you never know, it could be a boy" and I found myself getting angry with them. I took it as a personal attack and found myself being upset and defensive each time someone dared to second guess our ultrasound.

But the Lord knows that we will break. He knows that we will fall and come crawling back to Him. And because He is a good and loving God, because He has compassion, He holds us, dusts us off and never complains that it's taken us far longer than it should to humble ourselves.

And that is what I am doing. I was up for most of the night crying and praying. I want nothing more than to have a daughter. I want it because I have everything I need for a girl. I have formed a bond with what I know to be my daughter. I call her by name, speak prayers of blessing over her, and have spent much time just in thought over how God will use her in her life. But, really, what if I have a boy? What if through all this time, through my delivery, my doctor says, "It's a boy!" how will I be? Will I rejoice? Or will I question God? Will I wonder why He has provided everything for a girl just to give us a boy? Or will I trust that just as He provided once, He will provide again?

It is my desire to trust the Lord with all my heart and all my understanding. But I'll be honest, I don't. I live in fear. I live in doubt. But, last night God met me where I am and I realized that I don't need to come to Him in completeness, I need to come to Him broken. He wants me to step out in faith amid doubt and to surrender even when I feel like I can't. He wants me to surrender my daughter. And so I did. It was hard, harder it seems than when I surrendered getting pregnant to Him. I've spent too much time believing and trusting in the wrong things. It hurts to have to die to your flesh and your desires. And I haven't fully. I'm still praying that if it's God's will everything will hold true and we will deliver a health baby girl. But God's grace is good, and even in the last 18 hours I've come to more fully trust that He is in control and I am not. That He knows best and I do not. Just like with my miscarriage, His thoughts and ways are higher than mine, and while I didn't understand why He allowed what He did, He knew. And it was, and still is, simply my responsibility to trust Him and continue to follow after Him.

So, I rejoice! And if The Windhams end up with a son instead of a daughter, you can count on him being loved beyond what my heart can even comprehend right now.

Eight days and counting

I've got eight days until my "due date". I use that term very loosely for several reasons.

1) I've been given three due dates. And today was actually one of them. The official date is the 23rd, but I'm liking today more than that one.

2) Just because you're due on a date doesn't mean the baby is coming. It's not like a wedding. I mean you can still count down, but it's not gonna happen just because Google says you have eight days left.

Anyways, I've come to the point that I'm ready to move on to the next stage. I've really enjoyed this last week of "freedom", but I'm thinking I'd rather see my little girl now. We had an appointment today and actually prayed in the waiting room that we would go into labor this weekend. Now, it's God's will and all when she arrives, but Jonathan and I would both be thrilled if this weekend lined up with His will. So yeah, maybe this is a prayer request via Blogger... prayer for a healthy, safe delivery and that it could come this weekend.

Either I'm pregnant or old...

Last night Jonathan and I went to dinner with two of my co-workers. We had a really great time and tried out the Texas Roadhouse that just came into town. Nothing like a steak... Matt E jokes with me that our daughter is going to come out demanding steak and potatoes. I really wouldn't be surprised if she did.

Anyways, moving on. We meet up for dinner then went to see a nearly 3 hour movie. By the last 45 minutes my back was hurting so bad I figured I was either in labor or my daughter was making me pay for sitting for almost five hours total.

I went home and pulled out the heating pad and fell asleep sitting almost upright. This morning I woke up and thought "Wow Sarah, the only people you know who sleep upright with heating pads are people over the age of 75."

And so, I've decided that pregnancy is one of God's ways to prepare women for old age. We can't hold our bladder, our backs hurt, our hips hurt, we enjoy going to bed before the sun goes down, we walk about 3 times slower than anyone else and we get a little cranky if not properly feed.

Pregnancy musings, or, Thoughts from a Hippo

My tinker finally hit the 9 month mark. 4 weeks left and counting.

There are a few things that I've come to realize over the last month:

1. No matter how high your self esteem is, when you can't get out of bed on your own you tend to think maybe you're a tad on the "big" size.

2. When you walk into HyVee and hear someone say "Wow, you've gotten really big" you automatically think they are talking about you. Only when you turn around do you realize they are talking to a 5 year old.

3. If you go on a weekend getaway with your hubby, don't be surprised if the people running the B&B give you the name and number of the local nurse "just in case".

4. Even though you might forget at times that your pregnant (maybe it's just me, but I'm a rather forgetful person and can even forget I'm pregnant... if for all of 2 seconds) you are rudely reminded when you try to do the following:

A. Wash dishes
B. Do laundry
C. Get up from a chair
D. Sit down in a chair
E. Walk
F. Try to jump up on a counter top to sit (yes, I actually did this last night. Don't ask why I thought I could do it, but I think it's because I honest forgot about the basketball I have under my shirt).

5. Laying down has never been so scary. I can't even recline in a chair without my breathing being cut off.

6. Mostly, I've come to realize that while my body is no longer my own, I can't begin to express the joy I have when I feel my daughter move, hiccup, kick or anything else. It really has been an amazing 36 weeks, and I am truly grateful to God for every last minute of it.

Flaunt what ya momma gave ya

I never grew up really celebrating Halloween. I went trick or treating a few times, but nothing worth while. Once I was older, well, I was older, and who goes knocking on their neighbors' doors for candy at 25?

However, every year since I've moved to Iowa I've attended a Halloween party. My co-worker loves Halloween and goes all out each year with a top notch gathering. Since this will most likely be our last year to attend (as we've decided Baby Dubya won't be partaking in Halloween), I figured I needed to go all out with my costume and big belly.

Here are some of my personal favorites:

























I've thought about being a redneck with a big ol' beer belly; wear some tattered jeans, a white shirt that shows the bottom of my stomach, get a mullet wig and carry around a beer. Maybe Jonathan could be my "woman".

Life lessons learned the hard way, aka, The day I had no ankles

Jonathan and I went to Minnesota this weekend for a conference on being an organic church. We drove up there on Friday and came back super late Saturday.

From the beginning, we informed our other passengers that we'd need to stop quite often, since at this stage I can't stay in one position too long. The ride up was without problems. We stopped several times and while I felt a little sore when we arrived, for the most part all was good.

Coming back however, not so good. Every thing stared off right. We drove about an hour and a half before stopping at Cabela's to eat and walk around. Cabela's is a man's playground. I've never seen so many stuffed animals, camo and guns in the same place. And for dinner, I even ate a bison burger. I must admit, I'm a little ashamed of myself for that, because I really love buffalo and felt kinda bad for eating one.

Anyways, we got back on the road, stopping on one more time before we got home. Apparently, this is where I went wrong. In my head I knew we should have stopped more, but since I didn't have to go to the bathroom I figured this was no point.

Well, last night when I was getting ready for bed, I realized my feet were really tingly, sorta like when they've been asleep and are finally waking up. I look down to see that my feet are swollen to twice their normal size! Holy cow. I made Jonathan take pictures (although, sadly I'm not posting them, because it's slightly embarrassing) and I couldn't stop laughing for a good 5 minutes. I propped my legs up for a while and then went to sleep figuring that they'd be back to normal by this morning. It looks like I was wrong. While they aren't nearly as bad as last night, they are still pretty swollen, and the bad part is they are starting to really hurt. It's a bit painful to walk around. I'm hoping that resting them today will help with the swelling and pain. We'll see!

It's official, I don't do well under stress

Today started like every other work day. I woke up, got ready for work, ate some breakfast and walked to my bus stop. And that is where every thing went wrong.

I'm sitting on the bus, reading one of my baby books, when I started to feel a little queasy. I figured it was because I was reading and riding (not that I normally have motion sickness), so I put my book away. Then I started feeling warm, so I took off my cardigan. My head starts swimming, and I realize I'm sweating profusely. My palms are so wet, pools of sweat have formed. My face was wet to the touch, wet like I had just gone running. Now I begin to freak out. It's all setting in that I am about to pass out.

Now I grew up with a mother who is a nurse. I've never shied away from blood, guts, vomit, etc. As soon as I realized what was happening, I tried to put my head between my legs and take deep long breathes. Ok, first off, being 28 weeks pregnant and putting your head between your legs on a bus, is like making wine out of water, it would be a miracle.

Then BAM! Before I know it, I'm coming to. It's was like I was waking up from some really strange dream. I had no clue where I was, what was going on. I tried to remain calm. I realized no one had noticed, so all I needed to do was get off the bus as soon as possible and get some fresh air.

As soon as I left the bus, I called my mom. She told me to call Jonathan and go to my doctor immediately. I called Jonathan. By this point all common sense had been cast into the wind. I begin crying hysterically, which freaks Jonathan out. Between broken sobs I managed to tell him what happened and to meet me at the hospital. As I'm walking to the doctor's I meet my boss. Again, common sense is no where to be found, and I managed to get out "Going to hospital. Not coming in. Call you."

After an hour, Jonathan and I are seen by a nurse. Then half an hour later by a doctor. During this whole time Jonathan is doing his best to keep me from crying, assuring me that everything is a-ok.

By the end, it turns out that my blood pressure was a bit low, and I was partially dehydrated. Baby Dubya's heart rate was between 140-150 (which is perfect). She had been active after breakfast and even shortly after the whole incident. Even now, she's bopping around. So she is perfectly healthy and has no clue what happened.

Wow, so that was my day. I am thanking my Lord that everything is fine. Even in the midst of a emotional shake down, He was right there, continuing to guard my child and me.

Chubby bunny fingers

First, let me just say "THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!" to all of my wonderful girlfriends who have generiously let me borrow their preggo clothes. I can't even begin to tell you guys how great it is to a) not spend a ton of money on a whole new wardrobe, b) actually have clothes that aren't being held up by hair ties.

Something that I have come to realize is that I really do like being pregnant. Of course, I think it does my self-esteem wonders when Jonathan tells me how beautiful I am every day. Plus, it's a perk when you have super cute clothes to wear everyday instead of your too-tight-pre-pregnancy clothes. So, all in all, I've not had major issues with my expanding form.

However, I will say there have been a few things I didn't bargain for. One of those being a change in my ring size. Now, I will be honest in saying my fingers are small. I'm not sure why they are, but it seems to be a family thing. My mom has small fingers, my grandmother had small fingers, and so do I. Now, I should also note that not my whole finger is small, just the point before and after my knuckle. The knuckle itself is the size of Texas, literally. For that reason, I have always had some struggle with my wedding rings. They fit fine once on my finger, but sliding them over the knuckle takes some force. But, I've never worried about it since I never usually take them off.

Well, last week I realized that my rings were beginning to hurt my finger. Actually I noticed it a while ago, but sucked it up and wore them anyway. But last week I couldn't take it anymore, I took off my rings (and several layers of skin around my knuckle!) and have been wearing them around my neck. I'm feeling rather naked without them on and have started wearing some blue ring I found buried in my jewelry box. I'm really hoping this was a ring that Jonathan gave me at some point so that I can at least still say that I'm wearing a ring my husband gave me.

I think I might endeavor to buy a nice silver ring for the future. But still, I am in shock at how chubby my fingers have gotten. My sister-in-law, Shelly, was joking with me last night and said "Well, I've always wondered were skinny people put their extra weight. Not their butt or thighs, but apparently their fingers!".

The package deal

An email between my friend, Jen H. and I made me think about package deals in marriage and family.

Before I got married I would Google different sites for way sweet travel deals. I would see some ticket to Europe for $400 and think "Wow, how sweet would that be? Go to Europe for 400 bucks!" Now I see that and I double it. Going to Europe for $800 isn't as sweet sounding of a deal as $400. Not that I have room to complain. I've traveled more since I've been with Jonathan than I ever did single. But still, when you double everything it sorta knocks out the whole "sweet deal" that you find.

Then I thought how hard it is to visit our family and friends outside of Iowa (because of the whole doubling thing), and realized we should be advertising ourselves as a package deal. Listed below are just of few options that you, my beloved out-of-state friends and family could purchase.

"The Windham Duo" (available for a limited time!) - for the low price of gas money, a spare spot of floor, some blankets and a chew toy, you could purchase Jonathan, Jack and myself for a weekend (or week!) of pure Windham madness.

"The Windham Package" (coming late November) - for the low, low price of 3 plane tickets, an entire room for all our stuff, and patience to deal with two sleep deprived adult, you could purchase a week with one incredibly cute girl.

"The Windham Clan" - for those out there willing to splurge on a little something more, you will get the "package" plus Jack, for an extra fee of doggy treats and a big back yard.

We are now standing by for orders.

Whoa! Jonathan and I made it in the paper!

So, our lives aren't really boring.

Last week Jonathan and I were interviewed by this girl, Kate, from the Press Citizen concerning the cost of having a child (hospital stay, buying items, etc). Here's the link to the site: Parents prep for birth.

There was only one disappointing part of the article. We spent the majority of the time expressing to Kate our beliefs on God, who He is in our lives and how that effects how we will raise our kids. Yeah, that didn't get written. But I had a feeling it wouldn't. When Jonathan and I walked away from the interview all we could do was pray that at least Kate understood what we said, even if it never went to print.

It's a little strange to read about ourselves through the eyes of someone else. We explained to Kate about some hardships we faced over Christmas, and while I know my heart and what God has done for me through that time, it's awkward to see it written and to wonder how others will take it. When something effects you deeply, it seems a little trite to sum it up in less than a paragraph. Maybe the section should have said "...she worried that maybe it wasn't God's plan for her to have children. But that doesn't make God any less worthy of her praise."

Part of me wants to help explain the situation, to explain that God is a good and faithful God, and that while I doubted where I thought my life was going, I never doubted Him. But alas, that can't be expressed.

And so I will need to rest in knowing that we shared our faith with Kate, even if it was Kate alone. And we either planted a seed or watered one. From here only God can make it grow.

Seriously embrassing

But so funny!

I just had to post some old school pictures of the wild Sarah Atwood, turned Sarah Windham. And it makes me wondering if Daughter Windham stands any chance of being "normal" with a mom like me and a dad like Jonathan.

And the ultrasound shows....

we're having a girl!!

Oh, wow! Oh, wow! Oh, wow! I can't begin to say how thrilled I am to being having a daughter. :)

God is so amazing, and I can't even begin to describe the experience of seeing my baby's picture. To see her arms, legs, feet, hands and even her heart! Whoa! So cool. It just reaffirms how great our Creator is, and how He literally knits us in our mother's womb. I know that my daughter is going to be beautiful, and while she is a make up of our DNA, I know that she isn't made in our image, but the image of her Heavenly Father who loved her before even I was born.

We have pictures from the ultrasound, and I promise I will post them, we just have to scan them first. And just to prepare you, she is a beautiful baby... and she has some of the cutest feet ever. ;)

I Would Die For That

This song is so emotional, just to warn you.

Update before the "Update"

Alrighty, now is crunch time.

Is Baby Dubya gonna be a...
	Boy
	Girl
Free polls from Pollhost.com

After you vote, be sure to add your name to the comments so that I know who voted for which one. Good luck! :)