Maybe, just maybe... Part Two

Maybe, just maybe I don't have a clue what I'm doing.

This week has been a whirlwind. Starting Monday night, Julia decided she wanted to cry, a lot. She cried most of the day Tuesday and Wednesday. Yesterday she gave me a bit of a breather, which I really needed! Jonathan and I spent the first two days try to narrow down the reasons for her crying and we think (and could be way wrong) that Jules has a intolerance to legumes. Our reasoning behind this idea is that I ate peanut butter for the first time since she was born (on Monday and then on Tuesday) and that's when her crying all started. And I've had this gut feeling ever since we got home from the hospital that she didn't take well to beans whenever I ate them. Now, like I said, this is all just new parent somethings-wrong-with-my-kid-what-is-it hypothesis. Who knows, maybe she's just a talker. Which in all reality she'll have to be to survive in this family.

I've come to the conclusion that being a mom is the world's hardest job. I'm sure brain surgery is pretty tough, but I'm still going to say mommyhood is tougher. See, brain surgeons at least get training. Me, I got nada. I had younger brothers I baby sat, but nothing like this. And there is this since of panic when you realize that you and you alone know more about your child than anyone else in the world. HA! Are you kidding me? My understanding of the way Julia works is about as great as my understanding of brain surgery. So, that in of itself is what makes this the hardest job ever. That and the pee.

I've never been peed on and puked on more in my life. I know little boys are notorious for peeing on you, but girls?! Yep, Julia has now successfully peed on my four times in the last 30 hours. Twice she even had on a diaper. Stupid Huggies. And she's puked on me more times than that. The crazy thing is, she seems more upset about all of this than me. She pees all over and then starts crying. She pukes and looks at me like "Holy smokes, what was that?! Help me!".

But somehow through all the pee, puke and endless crying, there are some amazing moments. Like this morning. After her mid morning feeding, I had Julia propped up on my lap on some pillows and she was just staring at me and smiling (I know it was probably gas, but this momma is pretending it's a real smile) and just looking absolutely beautiful. And in that moment I thought "This is why moms do it. We do it because through all the rough times, the sleepless nights, the crying, the peeing, the puking, we get to have this sense of what God must think about us. Through all our messiness, we look up at Him with total admiration, total love, and smile at Him with awe for how He provides and cares for us through it all. And as we are looking at Him, He's staring back at us with a heart filled with more joy and love than we will ever know and more wiliness to continue cleaning us up, fixing our lives and making us whole."