Let's face it, I'm a bull

Once my mother told me that it would take a team of wild horses to change my mind when I was convinced of something. Later in life, Jonathan told me that I'm like a battering ram that just keeps hitting the wall until it falls. I'd have to say, both these statements are pretty accurate. I'm stubborn. I'm bull headed. And the only thing that really keeps me from plowing my way through life (leaving behind helpless victims) is the grace of God.

As of Wednesday/Thursday we decided that we're not finding out whether we're having a boy or a girl.

Can I just say that this is no small issue for me? In my mind, I figured that I could (and would) plow my way through this issue just like I have done many times in the past. My way or the highway. Geez, don't you feel bad for my husband? Out of all the women in the world, he winds up with a stubborn mule. Anyways, at women's prayer on Wednesday I was convicted that I needed to really surrender over my will on the "gender issue" to Jonathan. As an act of obedience to the Lord, I told Jonathan that ultimately my heart's desire was/is to follow him more than to find out the sex of our baby. *Honesty time: What I really meant was "I want to follow after you but still get my way. I'm saying these things because I mean them, but we're still going to find out. Right?"*

God makes me laugh. Because He created me, He knows me inside and out. Ok, Sarah's will is bending, but her heart still isn't one hundred percent. How can I, the creator of Heaven and Earth, ensure that not only do I have my daughter's will, but her heart? Oh, right, I'll just not let her have an ultrasound.

Say what?!

As I am slowing my battering ram down (so that the wall doesn't fall at such a rate that my husband would really notice until after it came down) God reinforces the wall. It turns out that our insurance won't cover our ultrasound. Which means, that if we want to have one, we have to pay out of pocket (which will be over $500). Now, there are some side stories - if my midwife thinks that we still need one we can have one (that is covered) but rather than calling it "routine" it will need to be "medical". However, one of the nurses I spoke to yesterday said that the likelihood of us having one is small, since we've delivered one healthy child, had an ultrasound with this baby, and so far the pregnancy has been smooth.

And of course through all of this I am a calm and collected Christian. Hahaha! I make myself laugh. I'm a bull, remember. I get this news and call every single resource I know of in order to help me take down this wall. I mean, come on, now it's not about the "gender issue" it's about the safety of my child. After all, you can't possibly deliver a healthy child without an ultrasound. The midwife might miss something. I might miss something. The ultrasound is the only way to determine the outcome of my baby.

Or not.

I spent most of Thursday in a bad mood. I won't lie. I was a slight pain in the butt. Perhaps I went from battering ram to one of those oxen they use in running of the bulls - horns out to get anyone. All the same, it took a good 24 hours before I realized that the wall wasn't moving. And that God was still good.

I called my sweet sister-in-law to tell her this most disastrous news. Her response: "Sarah, praise God! Your heart's desire was to follow your husband, and now He made it possible to do so without any temptation or unnecessary debt." Riiight... Not exactly what I was going for, but hey if what she said was what God needed for me to hear in order to get through my bull head, it worked. I started to realize that God is giving me a way out. All the time I knew that I wanted and needed to follow after Jonathan, but in the back of my mind had plans to still find out the gender. I was going to knowingly sin. I was going to knowingly disrespect Jonathan. Wow! Am I a lovely person or what?! Rather than go through all of that, God simply said "No." And I am pretty okay with that. He knows what He is doing. He knows what is best for my life, my child's life, my family. Who better to put my trust in then the Almighty?

"And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you." Psalm 39:7

Truthful Thursday - Job 37

"We cannot imagine the power of the Almighty; but even though he is just and righteous, he does not destroy us. No wonder people everywhere fear him. All who are wise show him reverence." Job 37:23-24

Joy abounding

I got an email from my friend, Alicia. She sent me the following blog post and I couldn't resist putting it up. Maybe it's because I read it and thought "Whoa, is this lady writing my life?". Really, it seems like you could merely change the gender of the child and you would have my life story from the past 12+ months.


I was shoving my breakfast into my mouth as quickly as possible. My very fussy newborn son, colicky and cranky, was becoming increasingly discontent in his bouncy seat. With my free hand, I grabbed my Recovery Bible to read a quick verse as his squirms and moans escalated. I decided James was as good a place as any to read, and came across these verses in the first chapter:

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

At that point, two minutes into my not-so-quiet time, my son began screaming at the top of his lungs. I took that as his saying that he'd been disregarded long enough and wanted to be picked up. I looked down at my half-eaten breakfast, not knowing whether to laugh or cry.

Great joy. What an appropriate passage for the current state of my life.

My son, then still a newborn, was high-need from the beginning. Anyone who has a high-need child knows exactly what I'm talking about. It's nearly impossible to accurately describe the "high-need" child unless you have one yourself or have experienced one at length. I'll give you a glimpse into what this looked like in our case.

He was never one of those babies that you could put down easily for a nap or a diaper change, or so you could try and get something done ... well, for any reason. In fact, he generally screamed at the very instant you attempted to lower him into a horizontal position.

Then, at 2 weeks old, he started screaming for no reason we could find. And he wouldn't stop. We eventually learned that he not only had a bad case of colic, but he also had acid reflux that required medication, and he was sensitive to many of the foods I was eating and consequently feeding him. So I went through the long and tedious process of eliminating all potentially irritating foods from my diet. We eventually figured out that dairy, soy, corn, wheat, nuts and most seeds all sent his system into screams of pain.

He was also a horrible sleeper. We tried every trick in the book to get him to sleep better: We tilted his mattress so the acid reflux wouldn't bother him as much. We swaddled him. We rocked him, we played music for him; we put the fan on while he was sleeping for background noise. We tried bedtime routines, reading books, everything short of letting him scream for hours.

I prayed and prayed that God would make him sleep better. I asked friends and family to pray with me. I read sleep books and scoured the Internet for any ideas on how to improve this situation, implementing all sorts of ideas that I thought might help, but my son refused to be wooed to sleep by any of these expert methods.

I eventually realized I should probably be praying that God would give me strength to deal with whatever my son needed. I didn't want to pray that! And the epistle of James was of no comfort. Being sleep-deprived and malnourished, I wasn't particularly interested in hearing about how this trial was producing endurance and perseverance in me, especially after nine months of it.

What made it worse was that in public, he was often a happy go-lucky baby. At church, everyone would exclaim, "What a good baby! What a happy baby!" I wanted to respond, "Well, you should come over to our house later this afternoon and stay for about eight hours." Though I held my tongue, in my heart I wanted everyone else to know how much I was suffering. I also grew bitter and resentful at those around me whom I felt weren't helping me as much as I deserved.

Maybe I expect my faith to come easily. Maybe I've bought into the lie that if I'm living for God, everything will be peaches and roses and happiness. And my friends can be like Job's friends: quick to criticize, assign blame and point the finger, but slow to offer help and encouragement.

There are definitely some things I'd do differently if I had to go through this again. I'd ask for more help. I'd reach out more. I'd read stories in the Bible that demonstrated God's faithfulness, as well as look back on my own life and remind myself of the times God has shown Himself true and strong in my life thus far. I'd pray more "Your will be done" prayers, rather than always just asking for God to change my circumstances.

As I write this, my son has recently turned 1 and still doesn't sleep through the night. In fact, it's a good night if he only wakes up once or twice. And I'm actually totally OK with that. When people ask me if he's sleeping through the night and I say no, they look at me as if I have three heads.

But coming from where I've been, one to two wakings a night is like a walk in the park. He now regularly takes his naps in a bed rather than on my lap or in a moving stroller. His temperament is a thousand times better, and I can tell he's getting enough sleep. He's now pretty easy-going at home and in public, and everyone still comments on how happy and well-behaved he is.

And I'm different. Sure, I still get frustrated. I still wish he slept better and wish I could put milk in my coffee and peanut butter on my gluten-free bread, but my attitude has changed. My prayers have changed. I now pray that God will give me pockets of time to spend with Him. I pray that I would have time to pray. I pray while out walking with my dog and my sleeping son in the stroller. I read the Bible and pray on my knees during those times when he does go down for a nap.

And I have some joy. Not all the time, and I certainly wouldn't categorize it as "great joy," but it's there. I'm definitely learning to be content despite, and in the midst of, this trial.

Trials test our faith. My faith has certainly been tested during the past year, as well as a few times before that, and I'm sure it will be again. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I asked lots of the typical questions, like why God allow our faith to be tested, and how God want us to respond to trials.

These verses in 1 Peter 1:6-7 answer both questions:

So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold — though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

You know what my favorite parts of that passage are? The parts where it says there is "wonderful joy ahead" and that our trials will last "for a little while." This trial will not last forever. I can honestly look back at the various trials I've been through — struggling with my weight, my sexuality, my health — and praise God that He allowed me to come through those things. My faith is stronger for it.

James writes later on in his letter, "God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." Awesome.

Amy Carmichael, a missionary who cared for orphans in India for 55 years, said it best when she wrote, "In acceptance lieth peace." I've found in my life that acceptance is everything. When trials come, I tend to go into fight mode. As Paul prayed for God to take his thorn away, I cry out over and over for God to take my trials away. God has responded to me the same way He responded to Paul: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

So these days, while I still pray that God would do something supernatural in many of my circumstances, I also pray for the strength and patience to endure whatever He allows to come my way. I pray for joy, acceptance and contentment in everything I experience. I pray He would grow me to the point where I will truly consider my trials to be opportunities for joy.

This blog was written by Brenna Kate Simonds.

Truthful Thursday (Thanksgiving Day edition) - Psalm 50

"Make thankfulness your sacrifice to God..." Psalm 50:14a

The babe is tucked away in bed, we are home from spending the day with good friends, our stomaches are full, and I am thankful.

There are many, many things in my life for which I am thankful;

1. A husband who shows me the meaning of unconditional love daily, no hourly.

2. A daughter who delights my life in a way I could never before have imagined.

3. A family who is crazy but wonderful.

4. A Heavenly Father who blesses me far more than I could ever deserve; who loves me at my worst; who is faithful to me far, far more than I will ever be to Him; who sent His one and only Son to die a sinner's death just so He could spent eternity with me. Whoa.

God is amazing. His greatness humbles me day after day. And while I am thankful that I can spend my earthly life rejoicing in Him, I am even more thankful that I can spend eternity in His presence praising Him.

God, I love you. Thank You for Your goodness and grace, I am undeserving of everything You have given me, from my salvation to my daily life, and that makes You all the more amazing to me. Your daughter, Sarah

Julia Mabel

One year ago today I set out on a life changing course. I became the mother to a wonderful, beautiful daughter. Our first months together were rocky, actually, that might be an understatement. I had no clue how to feed, clean, change or care for this tiny life that expected everything from me. Then there was the crying. Endless crying. I mean, I can't totally blame a person for being upset when they have gas, especially when they have never actually used their internal organs. But still, crying babies aren't fun. I don't care who you are, they just aren't. It's a proven fact. And to top that off, if you've read any post on my blog you are all too familiar with our anti-sleep rules. Technically, they aren't Jonathan and mine's, but Julia's. So, roll together complete ignorance, complete dependance, raging hormones and emotions and you will get a new mother.

I can remember thinking that everyone around me seemed to "get it". All the other moms seemed to have their lives together, knowing beyond a doubt what each cry meant, what each grunt would or would not lead to. I felt like I had stepped into a final totally unprepared, with a sense of utter failure.

But God is good. Oh so good.

One year has past. I will never say that I am a perfect mom, but I will say that I am the best mom for Julia. I can read her almost better than I can myself. I know when she is tired, hungry, angry, happy, or frustrated. I understand her "signs" for more, food, and all done. I know that certain situations will delight her, while others upset her past consolation. I have become her mom.

Through this past year, learning who Julia is has not been my biggest feat. More than that, has been learning who God is through me. I am continually humbled and amazed at who God is, who He has called me to be, and how that relationship reflects on my parenting.

I always thought it silly when people said that God wants to be in control of every area of your life, every area of your parenting. But I have come to learn that it is so true. I can tell when I am in control and when the Holy Spirit is in control. I know the difference between Sarah-led Parenting and God-led Parenting. And in those moments I realize that there is no way I can make it without God. There is no way that I can produce a kingdom building, God loving, selfless daughter unless I am that way. And I can't be that way unless I center absolutely everything on Christ. Funny how that circle works.

My life is blessed. My daughter is a blessing beyond what I could imagine. She has been a true delight this past year and I am looking forward to many, many more.

In celebration today, we will be having poppyseed chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans and chocolate cake. This is my birthday dinner each year and I am passing it along to Julia. :)

Truthful Thursday - Galatians 5

"Before the way of faith in Christ was available to us, we were placed under guard by the law. We were kept in protective custody, so to speak, until the way of faith was revealed. Let me put it another way. The law was our guardian until Christ came; it protected us until we could be made right with God through faith. And now that the way of faith has come, we no longer need the law as our guardian." Galatians 5:23-25

Truthful Thursday - Luke 21

"But before all this they will lay their hands on you and persecute you, delivering you up to the synagogues and prisons, and you will be brought before kings and governors for my name’s sake. This will be your opportunity to bear witness. Settle it therefore in your minds not to meditate beforehand how to answer, for I will give you a mouth and wisdom, which none of your adversaries will be able to withstand or contradict. You will be delivered up even by parents and brothers and relatives and friends, and some of you they will put to death. You will be hated by all for my name’s sake. But not a hair of your head will perish. By your endurance you will gain your lives." Luke 21:12-19

My apologies for not posting more on Truthful Thursday. It's not as though there isn't enough truth to post, as there is more than I will ever discover, but just a lack of time on my hands. Today's truth resonated in my mind about losing my "rights" as a Christian. I say "rights" in the terms of how this world defines it. The idea of losing my "right" to free speech, to voice my beliefs is concerning, but Jesus has already told me this would happen. He didn't promise peace on earth, but betrayal, anger, fear, hate, evil. However, he did promise that not a hair on my head would perish (I take this to mean, I will be saved from hell, not that this earthly body will go unscathed). I read this and some part of me, perhaps the daring, fighting Sarah, wants to say "Bring it on, when you mess with me, you mess with God", and I gain reassurance that this world is not my world, this home is not my home. I am merely biding my time until I can go home and see my Father.

Truthful Thursday - Proverbs 20, Romans 12

"Don’t say, “I will get even for this wrong.” Wait for the Lord to handle the matter."

Proverbs 20:22, NLT

"Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say,“I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the Lord."

Romans 12:19, NLT

Truthful Thursday - Hebrews 12

"My child, don't make light of the Lord's discipline, and don't give up when he corrects you. For the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child...For our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew how. But God's discipline is always good for us, so that we might share in his holiness. No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening - it's painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way."

Hebrews 12:5-6;10-11, NLT

When green goes too far

I keep up with the blog Keeper of the Home. Her most recent post was in regards to an article about women who aren't having children because having children isn't "green". In fact, one woman, Tori, chose to abort her child so as to "save the planet" and not further "burden the world".

Ok, I'm no rocket scientist, but come on people. Seriously, killing a child so you can be green? I'm not really seeing the logic in that one. Alright, sure, people take up space, they use up resources. But, can't you just as easily teach your children to be mindful and respectful of the world God has bestowed upon them? Hmm, part of me thinks that Tori never stopped to consider that, thanks to her mom going through with her own birth, she can make such ridiculous and selfish decisions. I mean, really, if we're going to be that concerned about the effects of humans on the planet why don't we all just leave now?

I'm all for green. I honestly believe that God has made us stewards of the world. I honestly believe that it is my duty as a child of God to ensure that I maintain and preserve the earth. But absolutely no way is aborting helpless children green. It is selfish, hateful and frankly, utterly disgusting.


"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate." Psalm 127:3-5 ESV


"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." Psalm 139:13-16 ESV

Truthful Thursday - 1 Peter 1

"So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies golf - though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains stroung through many trials, it will bring you nuch praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world."

1 Peter 1:6-7, NLT

Truthful Thursday - Titus 3

"But - "When God our Savior revealed his kindness and love, he saved us, not because of the righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and new life through the Holy Spirit. He generously poured out the Spirit upon us through Jesus Christ our Savior. Because of his grace he declared us righteous and gave us confidence that we will inherit eternal life.""

Titus 3:4-7 NLT

God rocks.

You might remember my post on Southern Living versus Midwest Living and how I was lamenting the fact that I was switching.

Let me just say: God rocks.

Shortly after that post I cancelled my subscription.

Or so I thought.

Today I received a we-want-our-money letter from SL for this year's issues. I called them to re-cancel. When the woman on the phone asked me why I was cancelling I told her it was getting too expensive (having gone from free - Thanks girls! - to $12 a year, to $36). Of course, she asked if I was interested in any of their other magazines, and replied, no, that I had just subscribed to Midwest Living (as I live in Iowa) and didn't need Coastal Living.

Then a random turn of events.

She asked me how much I paid for this past year's issues. I said that it had been the in ballpark of $12 for the year.

Know what she said?!

Ok, I can honor that same price for this year too, if you'd like.

If I'd like?! Oh you betcha I'd like!

I am now sittin' pretty with one more year of Southern Living (do worries Jonathan, it was only $11.88!).

God totally answered the desire of my heart! I so wanted to keep my subscription and without even knowing it, He totally made that possible. Had everything been cancelled as I thought, I wouldn't be able to rejoice in knowing just how much My God cares about the little things.

God rocks.

Completely (and totally) unsure; completely (and totally) reliant

I think one of the funniest things about parenting is that everything, literally everything, is trial and error. And perhaps by funny what I really mean is, so exhausting that you eventual give up and laugh (notice my time stamp).

Somewhere in the ballpark of 4 months of age, we realized that Julia really, really needed to just cry herself to sleep. I'm pretty certain Jonathan realized this long before I did, but at some point we both looked at each other through sleep deprived eyes and said "It's go time". Here's what I really love about this whole process: Julia seems to take way longer than what I think is humanly possible to catch on to the idea of sleeping. Like, really, isn't sleep natural? Shouldn't a baby just want to sleep? I honestly think she came out of the womb thinking "Mom? Dad? What is this thing you guys are wanting me to do? You seriously expect me to quite down, shut my eyes and sleep? Hmm. No."

From the get go, sleep and Julia seem to have been a struggle (she gets that from her dad, seeing as I can fall asleep just about anywhere and anytime). So, like I said, somewhere around 4 months old we started letting her cry at night. First night she cried from 11pm to 6 am. Ok, does that seem slightly over the top to anyone else? I mean, come on little girl. At some point I really thought she'd give up. But she never did. Impressive!

After some serious tears shed during the day (we had stopped swaddling her at night, but continued to during the day; this made for lots of crying at night and lots of heavy sleeping during the day - like around 6+ hours), Julia finally started sleeping at night. Beautiful!

Then about a month after that, we regressed to waking up twice a night. I blamed it on a growth spurt. Well, if that is what it is, my daughter should be Yao Ming by now! So we went back to crying it out. This time around I didn't feel quite so bad. I figured she'd reached the age where she was mentally/emotionally capable of self-soothing (which happens around 6 months), so a little crying wouldn't hurt.

We're nearly three months into this next crying it out stage. Julia still hasn't grasped that night time is for sleep time, and so we've thrown our hands in the air. Sometime last week (or maybe the week before that... time seems to start to blur) Jonathan and I decided that for the sake of everyone we'd stop CIO. While this means that I'm still waking up nightly (ranging from 1-3 times on average) with Julia, we all at least get to go back to sleep fairly quickly. Unlike with CIO, which lasted 2-5 hours. Each night (well, 5 out of 7). For three months.

But, tonight Julia threw me a curve ball. She woke up around 1am. We nursed, I put her back down, and she starts crying. Sweet. So, I figured she'd really just have to deal with life and go back to bed. I gave her a set time to cry (mentally I did this, I didn't actually say "Ok, Julia, you can cry until such and such time before I come back in here"). But seeing as I can't actually sleep when she's fussy I decided to get on the laptop to pass the time. Fortunately for her, the time was pretty quick. Unfortunately for me, I can't seem to fall back to sleep.

Needless to say, I've come to realize that parenthood really is about having absolutely no clue what you are doing and just really hoping to stumble upon the right answer. For this kid. Since everything changes for the next one. And in the moments that I realize this, it makes me bow my knee before God, pray for wisdom, grace, patience and love abounding, because I know that I am completely clueless and totally reliant upon Him.

Grace and coffee are my two best friends

It's been a hard day's night, and I've been working like a dog. It's been a hard day's night and I should be sleeping like a log.

Last night Julia woke up right as I was falling asleep (somewhere in the ballpark of 11pm). After that I struggled for the next two hours to go back to sleep. It was rough. Being the gracious husband that he is, Jonathan got up and stroked my hair until I could unwind enough to fall back asleep. Then Julia woke up about two hours later for her normal nighttime feeding and for the day at like God-awful-six. So, I'm running off of about 5 hours of sleep (or make that 4 1/2).

But God is gracious. He provides continually, giving me strength to mother/wife/sister/friend when I feel zapped. And to top if off, He provides the $1.75 for a large Capanna Full City coffee (with extra Raw Suger and a dash of cinnamon).

Today is going to be a good day. Thanks to lots grace and tasty coffee!

Did I miss something?

I recently found out that a good friend of mine from college is moving to 23rd and Lexington in NYC now that she has completed Optometry School. When I first heard the news, there was a pang of remorse that rose up inside me. I have always, always wanted to live in NYC. The traffic, the people, the buildings, the subways, the constant go, go, go, just makes me feel alive and excited. Years ago Jonathan and I were on our New York track. We had planned out how long it would take him to finish school, what types of jobs we could get in New York, where we would live, what an amazing adventure we would encounter. If everything had gone as we planned, I would be celebrating my one year New York Anniversary this summer.

But alas, over Faithwalkers 2005 we both felt that New York was a dream we need to let go. Oddly enough, God spoke strongly to both of us on separate occasions, and neither of us told the other one for sometime afterward. But then one day I blurted out that I felt God was asking me to give up New York and Jonathan agreed. And as strange as it seems, I did really mourn the loss of my dream. I spent another few months pining away, thinking that there must be some way for me to still live there and be in God's will. So far I haven't seen an open door.

Anyways, back to my pang of remorse.

It's kind of shaken me this week, the idea that I too could be moving or already living in New York. I ask all the "what if" questions and start to see my life as less than glamorous. I mean, I'll be honest in saying that for most of my life I never truly thought I'd be a mom, and that if I ever did go down that path it would be much later than now. And I'll state the obvious when I say that there isn't much that is glamorous about mamahood. Sure, people are envious of the cute babies, but the poop, crying, vomit, lack of sanity, lack of sleep, road trips that take twice as long as normal, the continually dying to self. Yeah, I'm not sure I've ever heard someone say "Gee, I just really want a lifelong less in selflessness, I think I'll have a baby!". Yet, that is my life. My life isn't living in an apartment loft off the Upper West Side. It's living across the road from a park where Julia and any possible future babes will spend their playtime. My life is giving my all to my marriage, my family and my God. And it does make me sad that I can't just pick up and take a trip somewhere, or that I can't spend my "weekends" sleeping in, doing as I please, or being able to have a job at NYU or Columbia, or having to constantly be mindful of what I eat because it might make Julia fussy. Yeah, I do want all those things, I do miss the idea of freedom and jet-setting, I do love NYC. But far more than that, far more than chasing after that dream, I love my God. I love my husband. I adore my daughter. And really, if it came down to choosing the Upper East Side loft or the duplex in Iowa with my family, I would time and time again choose the latter.

With that in mind, I am stepping back and wishing luck to my friend. I am choosing to say that God is good for having me here, for allowing my life to be so fully blessed. And who knows, maybe one day I might just move to Manhattan.

Just maybe not the Manhattan that I expected.

Once upon a time...

... in a land far, far away, there lived a woman who was half crazy. One day she decided that in order to grow to know her Lord just a little bit better she would cut off all modern forms of communication (or just the internet). And so for 40 days she ignored the computer. Now, at the end of her sentence she has come to the conclusion that a) the world does go on without you, b) you can have a small child and read books, c) she is still crazy, but hopefully a little wiser.

It's been a while. At the beginning of April I had a serious heart check about my life/time and where I put my hope. I realized I was more concerned with who posted on my facebook wall and who did or didn't leave comments on my blog then I was about how much time I spent with God. I saw in myself a person who had become so wrapped up in herself I couldn't go more than a few hours without logging on. So, I cut the cords. I took a drastic (for me) measure and logged off for a while. And it's been good. I've learned a lot about myself, that I can start and complete a task, and that God gives us way more grace than we deserve.

Alrighty, I suppose I can do a quick update on all things Windham. Julia turns a whopping 6 months on this Friday! I just can't even grasp it. She's now been introduced to rice cereal and sweet peas. Sweet peas did not go over very well at first, but now she opens her mouth up super wide when she sees the spoon. Of course, half the food ends up running down her chin, but we're backing progress.

Speaking of other Julia-progressions, she is now sitting up. She started right before she turned 5 months old. She would sit up for about a minute doing what I call the 'gorilla stance' - where the babe uses their hands to hold themselves steady; it looks like a gorilla to me. But at the beginning of May she started sitting upright. She's doing really well, and tends to only fall over when she's sleepy or irritated. And luckily she hasn't hurt herself too bad... just once when she flung herself back on the wood floors in our kitchen.

We're starting house church at our house this weekend. I'm really excited. These means I will actually be able to stay for the duration of church now! We rearranged the down stairs to accommidate for a sitting room and I must say it looks pretty sweet. I might just start spending more time down here.

Jack got a shock collar. Sounds worse than it really is. He has just kinda gone crazy with barking and running off, so we bought a shock collar that he wears every time we let him outside. I've used it once. He hasn't really barked outside since. Apparently, it's pretty effective.

Well, that's about it in a nut shell. I'm sure there's more that I could write, but I'll save it for later.

Entitlement

I'm entitled to have good days aren't I? And when I have one good day, isn't the next day suppose to be just as good? It should never be worse, right? I have to be honest, this is something that I'm really struggling with and trying to wrap my mind around. When I have one really amazing day with Julia (she isn't very fussy, we get a lot done at the house, we can visit friends) I think I am entitled to ever day being that way. Like this week.

On Tuesday we had an amazing day. She napped when she was suppose to, we got to meet Jonathan for lunch, she wasn't very fussy and seemed to just be completely content all day. Wednesday was a whole different story. She cried if I held her, cried if I put her down, she barely napped and finally by the late afternoon I got her to fall asleep while I held her the whole time. Which means the house was a mess, I was a mess, dinner was the last thing from my mind. And I realize, Julia is my job. Not my house, or laundry, or dinner. But still. I should be able to do those things...

Well, on Wednesday night I spent some time with Shirley. I was talking to her about how I feel entitled to these things, and how I get pretty angry when I pray and God doesn't seem to respond to those prayers (ex: I'm exhausted and just want Julia to sleep. I pray and she only sleeps for 3 hours, or she wakes up 3-4 times). It seems like He would want me to rest, to feel good about the day ahead and not so run down and weak. Then Thursday morning Shirley sent me an email with these verses from 2 Corinthians 12:

"Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Wow, that hit me like a ton of bricks. Since Julia's birth I have been working on my own strength, my own power and I'm exhausted. So yesterday I prayed "God, I need time with you, but you're going to need to make my schedule clear." And while it wasn't "clear" in the sense that I accepted, He did give me time when Julia was relaxing in her bouncy seat. And again this morning. Yet, I realize that I can't wait for God to give me loads of time, because it won't ever happen, but He will give me time and it's up to me to use it effectively.

I surrender

I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within
I lay it all down for the sake of you, my King
I'm giving you me dreams, I'm laying down my rights
I'm giving up my heart for the promise of new life

And I surrender all to you, all to you
And I surrender all to you, Lord, all to you

I'm singing you this song, I'm waiting at the cross
And all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss
The sake of knowing you the glory of your name
To know that lasting joy in sharing in your pain

This song has been on repeat in my head for the last day. For the past two days Julia has been really upset. She's been gassy and overly needy. We've had to hold her while she sleeps, otherwise she wakes up completely freaked out. Yesterday she woke up at 6 am and didn't go to bed until 9 pm, having only slept for 2 hours (not consecutively, mind you) during the day. She was so sleepy, you could tell by just looking at her. But her tummy hurt so bad she couldn't rest. Finally she gave way and fell asleep with us in bed. After her normal middle of the night feeding, she fell back asleep, just to wake up in pain at 4:30 this morning. I rocked her, bounced her and walked her for two hours till Jonathan took over so I could sleep. You can hear her poor little tummy rumbling and she is in some pain for sure. I didn't want to believe it, but Julia is colicky. I'm not sure why it's been so hard for me to come to terms with it, but it has been. But after yesterday I really can't deny it.

So in the midst of her crying and not sleeping yesterday, this song came to me. I surrender. I surrender my life and my dreams to Christ. This is too hard to do alone, and I can't keep holding on to my pride, so I'm surrendering. I'm giving up, I'm letting go. Christ can have it all.

Maybe, just maybe... Part III

Maybe, just maybe there are times when I want to give up.

I'm making a New Year's resolution to be honest about the trials I face. So many times I can look the other way and act like everything in my life is a-okay when really I feel like I am drowning.

Frankly, breastfeeding sucks. Both literally and figuratively. I've never had more pain or frustration at something that is suppose to be "natural". Part of me thought that by now Julia and I would have figured this thing out. But we are far from it. It seems like she struggles at almost every feeding. She goes back and forth between understanding what she's doing to not having a clue. Top that off with the worst pain a woman can feel and really bottle feeding seems pretty appealing.

Honestly, the only thing keeping me going for breastfeeding at this point is knowing that this is the best thing I can do for Julia. And even then I'm not sure that's why I'm doing it. Maybe really I'm just afraid of being a bad mom. So I breastfeed. Yeah, that's really what it is. I am overwhelmed with fear. Fear that she isn't gaining weight properly, fear that she isn't getting enough food, fear that I don't understand her cries, fear that I am doing absolutely everything wrong. Fear that things will always be this hard and that my life will stay this way. Fear that I will not be able to show my daughter the love that she so badly needs and deserves. Fear that I am not living up to my role as a wife, or as a daughter of the Lord. Fear that I am going through a huge trial and am missing the whole message from God. Fear that I am turning to everyone but God. Fear is literally consuming me. It can be completely immobilizing.

I'm not sure what is going to happen over the next few days, weeks, or months. I'd love to say that I will be on my face before the Lord gaining my strength from Him, but since we're going for honesty here, I can't say that will be the case. I want it to be, but I'm sure it won't always happen.

So here's to honesty through trials in the new year.