I recently found out that a good friend of mine from college is moving to 23rd and Lexington in NYC now that she has completed Optometry School. When I first heard the news, there was a pang of remorse that rose up inside me. I have always, always wanted to live in NYC. The traffic, the people, the buildings, the subways, the constant go, go, go, just makes me feel alive and excited. Years ago Jonathan and I were on our New York track. We had planned out how long it would take him to finish school, what types of jobs we could get in New York, where we would live, what an amazing adventure we would encounter. If everything had gone as we planned, I would be celebrating my one year New York Anniversary this summer.
But alas, over Faithwalkers 2005 we both felt that New York was a dream we need to let go. Oddly enough, God spoke strongly to both of us on separate occasions, and neither of us told the other one for sometime afterward. But then one day I blurted out that I felt God was asking me to give up New York and Jonathan agreed. And as strange as it seems, I did really mourn the loss of my dream. I spent another few months pining away, thinking that there must be some way for me to still live there and be in God's will. So far I haven't seen an open door.
Anyways, back to my pang of remorse.
It's kind of shaken me this week, the idea that I too could be moving or already living in New York. I ask all the "what if" questions and start to see my life as less than glamorous. I mean, I'll be honest in saying that for most of my life I never truly thought I'd be a mom, and that if I ever did go down that path it would be much later than now. And I'll state the obvious when I say that there isn't much that is glamorous about mamahood. Sure, people are envious of the cute babies, but the poop, crying, vomit, lack of sanity, lack of sleep, road trips that take twice as long as normal, the continually dying to self. Yeah, I'm not sure I've ever heard someone say "Gee, I just really want a lifelong less in selflessness, I think I'll have a baby!". Yet, that is my life. My life isn't living in an apartment loft off the Upper West Side. It's living across the road from a park where Julia and any possible future babes will spend their playtime. My life is giving my all to my marriage, my family and my God. And it does make me sad that I can't just pick up and take a trip somewhere, or that I can't spend my "weekends" sleeping in, doing as I please, or being able to have a job at NYU or Columbia, or having to constantly be mindful of what I eat because it might make Julia fussy. Yeah, I do want all those things, I do miss the idea of freedom and jet-setting, I do love NYC. But far more than that, far more than chasing after that dream, I love my God. I love my husband. I adore my daughter. And really, if it came down to choosing the Upper East Side loft or the duplex in Iowa with my family, I would time and time again choose the latter.
With that in mind, I am stepping back and wishing luck to my friend. I am choosing to say that God is good for having me here, for allowing my life to be so fully blessed. And who knows, maybe one day I might just move to Manhattan.
Just maybe not the Manhattan that I expected.
Friday, July 04, 2008
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1 comment:
I know a little bit how you feel. I still have a longing to move back to Boston, but know God brought me back to Iowa for a reason and is keeping me here for a reason as well. Letting go of dreams like that can be hard, but is so good. Makes me think of Proverbs 16:9 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."
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