Let's face it, I'm a bull

Once my mother told me that it would take a team of wild horses to change my mind when I was convinced of something. Later in life, Jonathan told me that I'm like a battering ram that just keeps hitting the wall until it falls. I'd have to say, both these statements are pretty accurate. I'm stubborn. I'm bull headed. And the only thing that really keeps me from plowing my way through life (leaving behind helpless victims) is the grace of God.

As of Wednesday/Thursday we decided that we're not finding out whether we're having a boy or a girl.

Can I just say that this is no small issue for me? In my mind, I figured that I could (and would) plow my way through this issue just like I have done many times in the past. My way or the highway. Geez, don't you feel bad for my husband? Out of all the women in the world, he winds up with a stubborn mule. Anyways, at women's prayer on Wednesday I was convicted that I needed to really surrender over my will on the "gender issue" to Jonathan. As an act of obedience to the Lord, I told Jonathan that ultimately my heart's desire was/is to follow him more than to find out the sex of our baby. *Honesty time: What I really meant was "I want to follow after you but still get my way. I'm saying these things because I mean them, but we're still going to find out. Right?"*

God makes me laugh. Because He created me, He knows me inside and out. Ok, Sarah's will is bending, but her heart still isn't one hundred percent. How can I, the creator of Heaven and Earth, ensure that not only do I have my daughter's will, but her heart? Oh, right, I'll just not let her have an ultrasound.

Say what?!

As I am slowing my battering ram down (so that the wall doesn't fall at such a rate that my husband would really notice until after it came down) God reinforces the wall. It turns out that our insurance won't cover our ultrasound. Which means, that if we want to have one, we have to pay out of pocket (which will be over $500). Now, there are some side stories - if my midwife thinks that we still need one we can have one (that is covered) but rather than calling it "routine" it will need to be "medical". However, one of the nurses I spoke to yesterday said that the likelihood of us having one is small, since we've delivered one healthy child, had an ultrasound with this baby, and so far the pregnancy has been smooth.

And of course through all of this I am a calm and collected Christian. Hahaha! I make myself laugh. I'm a bull, remember. I get this news and call every single resource I know of in order to help me take down this wall. I mean, come on, now it's not about the "gender issue" it's about the safety of my child. After all, you can't possibly deliver a healthy child without an ultrasound. The midwife might miss something. I might miss something. The ultrasound is the only way to determine the outcome of my baby.

Or not.

I spent most of Thursday in a bad mood. I won't lie. I was a slight pain in the butt. Perhaps I went from battering ram to one of those oxen they use in running of the bulls - horns out to get anyone. All the same, it took a good 24 hours before I realized that the wall wasn't moving. And that God was still good.

I called my sweet sister-in-law to tell her this most disastrous news. Her response: "Sarah, praise God! Your heart's desire was to follow your husband, and now He made it possible to do so without any temptation or unnecessary debt." Riiight... Not exactly what I was going for, but hey if what she said was what God needed for me to hear in order to get through my bull head, it worked. I started to realize that God is giving me a way out. All the time I knew that I wanted and needed to follow after Jonathan, but in the back of my mind had plans to still find out the gender. I was going to knowingly sin. I was going to knowingly disrespect Jonathan. Wow! Am I a lovely person or what?! Rather than go through all of that, God simply said "No." And I am pretty okay with that. He knows what He is doing. He knows what is best for my life, my child's life, my family. Who better to put my trust in then the Almighty?

"And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you." Psalm 39:7