You must have been a beautiful baby

Watch out Batman! She's coming back!

I cooked dinner two times this week!

And I don't mean just using the frozen meals we have, but actually cutting up meat and veggies and making something! Oh, and then I made cookies. From scratch!

Oh, oh, oh, and then, and then I brushed my teeth before bed (like I actually brushed my teeth for the first time of the day before 9 pm!).

But that's not all, I did laundry, vacuumed and took a shower this week! And what's even better, I remembered to put on deodorant!

Holy smokes, I'm on a roll! What next? Finding a cure for cancer? Saving the penguins from extinction? Joining the Peace Corps?

Man, I put Martha Stewart to shame.

Entitlement

I'm entitled to have good days aren't I? And when I have one good day, isn't the next day suppose to be just as good? It should never be worse, right? I have to be honest, this is something that I'm really struggling with and trying to wrap my mind around. When I have one really amazing day with Julia (she isn't very fussy, we get a lot done at the house, we can visit friends) I think I am entitled to ever day being that way. Like this week.

On Tuesday we had an amazing day. She napped when she was suppose to, we got to meet Jonathan for lunch, she wasn't very fussy and seemed to just be completely content all day. Wednesday was a whole different story. She cried if I held her, cried if I put her down, she barely napped and finally by the late afternoon I got her to fall asleep while I held her the whole time. Which means the house was a mess, I was a mess, dinner was the last thing from my mind. And I realize, Julia is my job. Not my house, or laundry, or dinner. But still. I should be able to do those things...

Well, on Wednesday night I spent some time with Shirley. I was talking to her about how I feel entitled to these things, and how I get pretty angry when I pray and God doesn't seem to respond to those prayers (ex: I'm exhausted and just want Julia to sleep. I pray and she only sleeps for 3 hours, or she wakes up 3-4 times). It seems like He would want me to rest, to feel good about the day ahead and not so run down and weak. Then Thursday morning Shirley sent me an email with these verses from 2 Corinthians 12:

"Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Wow, that hit me like a ton of bricks. Since Julia's birth I have been working on my own strength, my own power and I'm exhausted. So yesterday I prayed "God, I need time with you, but you're going to need to make my schedule clear." And while it wasn't "clear" in the sense that I accepted, He did give me time when Julia was relaxing in her bouncy seat. And again this morning. Yet, I realize that I can't wait for God to give me loads of time, because it won't ever happen, but He will give me time and it's up to me to use it effectively.

I surrender

I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within
I lay it all down for the sake of you, my King
I'm giving you me dreams, I'm laying down my rights
I'm giving up my heart for the promise of new life

And I surrender all to you, all to you
And I surrender all to you, Lord, all to you

I'm singing you this song, I'm waiting at the cross
And all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss
The sake of knowing you the glory of your name
To know that lasting joy in sharing in your pain

This song has been on repeat in my head for the last day. For the past two days Julia has been really upset. She's been gassy and overly needy. We've had to hold her while she sleeps, otherwise she wakes up completely freaked out. Yesterday she woke up at 6 am and didn't go to bed until 9 pm, having only slept for 2 hours (not consecutively, mind you) during the day. She was so sleepy, you could tell by just looking at her. But her tummy hurt so bad she couldn't rest. Finally she gave way and fell asleep with us in bed. After her normal middle of the night feeding, she fell back asleep, just to wake up in pain at 4:30 this morning. I rocked her, bounced her and walked her for two hours till Jonathan took over so I could sleep. You can hear her poor little tummy rumbling and she is in some pain for sure. I didn't want to believe it, but Julia is colicky. I'm not sure why it's been so hard for me to come to terms with it, but it has been. But after yesterday I really can't deny it.

So in the midst of her crying and not sleeping yesterday, this song came to me. I surrender. I surrender my life and my dreams to Christ. This is too hard to do alone, and I can't keep holding on to my pride, so I'm surrendering. I'm giving up, I'm letting go. Christ can have it all.

Maybe, just maybe... Part III

Maybe, just maybe there are times when I want to give up.

I'm making a New Year's resolution to be honest about the trials I face. So many times I can look the other way and act like everything in my life is a-okay when really I feel like I am drowning.

Frankly, breastfeeding sucks. Both literally and figuratively. I've never had more pain or frustration at something that is suppose to be "natural". Part of me thought that by now Julia and I would have figured this thing out. But we are far from it. It seems like she struggles at almost every feeding. She goes back and forth between understanding what she's doing to not having a clue. Top that off with the worst pain a woman can feel and really bottle feeding seems pretty appealing.

Honestly, the only thing keeping me going for breastfeeding at this point is knowing that this is the best thing I can do for Julia. And even then I'm not sure that's why I'm doing it. Maybe really I'm just afraid of being a bad mom. So I breastfeed. Yeah, that's really what it is. I am overwhelmed with fear. Fear that she isn't gaining weight properly, fear that she isn't getting enough food, fear that I don't understand her cries, fear that I am doing absolutely everything wrong. Fear that things will always be this hard and that my life will stay this way. Fear that I will not be able to show my daughter the love that she so badly needs and deserves. Fear that I am not living up to my role as a wife, or as a daughter of the Lord. Fear that I am going through a huge trial and am missing the whole message from God. Fear that I am turning to everyone but God. Fear is literally consuming me. It can be completely immobilizing.

I'm not sure what is going to happen over the next few days, weeks, or months. I'd love to say that I will be on my face before the Lord gaining my strength from Him, but since we're going for honesty here, I can't say that will be the case. I want it to be, but I'm sure it won't always happen.

So here's to honesty through trials in the new year.