Entitlement

I'm entitled to have good days aren't I? And when I have one good day, isn't the next day suppose to be just as good? It should never be worse, right? I have to be honest, this is something that I'm really struggling with and trying to wrap my mind around. When I have one really amazing day with Julia (she isn't very fussy, we get a lot done at the house, we can visit friends) I think I am entitled to ever day being that way. Like this week.

On Tuesday we had an amazing day. She napped when she was suppose to, we got to meet Jonathan for lunch, she wasn't very fussy and seemed to just be completely content all day. Wednesday was a whole different story. She cried if I held her, cried if I put her down, she barely napped and finally by the late afternoon I got her to fall asleep while I held her the whole time. Which means the house was a mess, I was a mess, dinner was the last thing from my mind. And I realize, Julia is my job. Not my house, or laundry, or dinner. But still. I should be able to do those things...

Well, on Wednesday night I spent some time with Shirley. I was talking to her about how I feel entitled to these things, and how I get pretty angry when I pray and God doesn't seem to respond to those prayers (ex: I'm exhausted and just want Julia to sleep. I pray and she only sleeps for 3 hours, or she wakes up 3-4 times). It seems like He would want me to rest, to feel good about the day ahead and not so run down and weak. Then Thursday morning Shirley sent me an email with these verses from 2 Corinthians 12:

"Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Wow, that hit me like a ton of bricks. Since Julia's birth I have been working on my own strength, my own power and I'm exhausted. So yesterday I prayed "God, I need time with you, but you're going to need to make my schedule clear." And while it wasn't "clear" in the sense that I accepted, He did give me time when Julia was relaxing in her bouncy seat. And again this morning. Yet, I realize that I can't wait for God to give me loads of time, because it won't ever happen, but He will give me time and it's up to me to use it effectively.