Maybe, just maybe there are times when I want to give up.
I'm making a New Year's resolution to be honest about the trials I face. So many times I can look the other way and act like everything in my life is a-okay when really I feel like I am drowning.
Frankly, breastfeeding sucks. Both literally and figuratively. I've never had more pain or frustration at something that is suppose to be "natural". Part of me thought that by now Julia and I would have figured this thing out. But we are far from it. It seems like she struggles at almost every feeding. She goes back and forth between understanding what she's doing to not having a clue. Top that off with the worst pain a woman can feel and really bottle feeding seems pretty appealing.
Honestly, the only thing keeping me going for breastfeeding at this point is knowing that this is the best thing I can do for Julia. And even then I'm not sure that's why I'm doing it. Maybe really I'm just afraid of being a bad mom. So I breastfeed. Yeah, that's really what it is. I am overwhelmed with fear. Fear that she isn't gaining weight properly, fear that she isn't getting enough food, fear that I don't understand her cries, fear that I am doing absolutely everything wrong. Fear that things will always be this hard and that my life will stay this way. Fear that I will not be able to show my daughter the love that she so badly needs and deserves. Fear that I am not living up to my role as a wife, or as a daughter of the Lord. Fear that I am going through a huge trial and am missing the whole message from God. Fear that I am turning to everyone but God. Fear is literally consuming me. It can be completely immobilizing.
I'm not sure what is going to happen over the next few days, weeks, or months. I'd love to say that I will be on my face before the Lord gaining my strength from Him, but since we're going for honesty here, I can't say that will be the case. I want it to be, but I'm sure it won't always happen.
So here's to honesty through trials in the new year.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
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5 comments:
For what it is worth, Sarah, you 'are' a great mom and a great wife, and I have no doubt that God smiles each time that he gazes upon you, as so do we.
Consider this, the next time Julia goes to sleep, for a nap, "Give Up" for thirty minutes - allow yourself that moment, and then go back to being the incredible mom that you are.
We love you!
remember you are still learning!!!! the first weeks and months were the hardest for me as well. we should hang out sometime! let me know if you want to come over some afternoon. love ya, ~L
Thanks for your honesty Sarah! I admire you for so many reasons. You are such a beautiful woman of God. I love you and I'll be praying for you!
-Lindsy
Thank you so much for putting all your time, blood, sweat, and tears into that little precious girl of yours. You are doing great!
Angie
Sarah, I feel your pain and frustration. Just know that you are giving Julia everything she needs and then some! She is so lucky to have such a caring mom and dad to raise her. Don't feel like a failure if you continue to have trouble nursing! You are trying and that is more than most can say! God bless you, hang in there! -K
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